Size Doesn’t Matter



If your mind went straight to the gutter… well so did mine but this is my story so I don’t count.

I can’t deny that when I first read the word prompt, I thought it said ballsy (it’s actually brassy). Similar, no? Well they have the same meaning! The American language I swear…

This story is not in the gutter I promise!

Do you like spicy food? If so, you’ll love this story.

My husband works for a well known company with a lot of, mostly men, with diverse backgrounds. One day, one such friend was telling him a story about his pepper garden. He grew all kinds of hot, chili peppers. The guy told him about his setup — you know placement of peppers, care needs and jarring process for the winter. He then proceeded to to ask my husband if he had ever tried any of these peppers. Some, yes. Some, no.

I want to let you dear readers know that there is a such thing as a hotness scale. It’s called the Scoville scale. It basically measures how hot something is before it burns the tastebuds off your tongue; at least that’s how I’m dubbing it. Why people subject themselves to this kImage result for hot pepper scaleind of torture, I have no idea.

Anyway, one of the peppers he grew in his garden was the habenero. On the Scoville scale, this is rated as 200,000-350,000 heat units. The 5th hottest pepper! The hottest pepper, in heat units, is pure Capsaician with a ridiculous 15 million Scoville heat unit rating.

So this friend gives my husband two to take home and tells him to cook them up with spaghetti sauce or something to get a taste for the heat. A little goes a long way.

Remember that I said this.

I’m shown these peppers when he gets home.

This is right before the fun started. He got this idea into his head that instead of cooking them in a sauce, we should just try them the way they are. They’re tiny so they can’t be that bad right? Me, being the logical woman (keyword woman) that I am, I’m game for this test! So he has one and I have one. I take a tiny little bite. Like right off the tip! Trust me when I say its hot. I was able to tolerate it but I definitely doused my mouth with lots of water (because milk is disgusting) and some bread.

My husband sees my reaction and figures, it can’t be that bad. I try to tell him that what he’s about to do is probably not a good idea. “I’ll be fine.” Yeah, okay Hercules. So you know what he does? He decides to bite half of it. HALF. OF. IT! At first, nothing happened and I thought, okay maybe he can handle this. I mean we’ve been to Quaker Steak and Lube and were able to handle their triple hot wings just fine, especially him.

Yeah, no.

He RUNS to the bathroom and sticks his head under the sink. He then orders me to go to the kitchen to get the whole gallon of milk and the whole loaf of bread. I’m definitely in tears at this point — tears of joy and laughter! I could not stop laughing! He’s over the toilet drowning in a gallon of milk and trying to sponge the heat out of his mouth with a loaf of bread. We were living with his mom at the time and she comes running like, “What’s going on??? Are you OK???” And I can’t even speak cause I’m just sitting and laughing my ass off. In hindsight, I should have recorded it!

It probably took about an hour or so for him to be able to not breathe like dragon at which point the woman (pointing at me here) says, “That’s what you get.”

So you see, the moral of this story is size doesn’t matter matter cause tiny things can punch you in the face and make you cry. Also, when touching hot things, don’t touch your face, you know around the eye area, with said hot stained fingers. You’ll thank me later.


20 thoughts on “Size Doesn’t Matter

  1. Oh… I do not ever want to get your bad side. You are evil! In a good way, of course. Fun story. πŸ™‚

    I’ve had a few of those peppers and was familiar with the scale. I have a habit of touching my eyes and itching whenever I eat or cook spicy foods, so it inevitably gets to places it shouldn’t. Peppers in quacamole usually cause it because I am eating while preparing it, so naturally the jalapenos are everywhere.


    1. Hahaha! Thanks! My evilness is pretty tolerable I think πŸ˜‰ You have to stop doing that! I’m guilty of it with onions though. Its a subconscious action when those tears start itching you!
      Also, I love guacamole! I’m not sure I’ve ever had it with peppers in it though. I’ll have to try that!


      1. No jalapenos in guacamole? Whaaat??? they make it fantastic. yes. my scalp gets itch when I eat chicken wings. I know it’s totally in my head, but as soon as my fingers are all messy, I feel itchy.


        1. Chipotle has a slightly spicy guacamole but I don’t think they put jalepenos in it. That’s probably the closest I’ve been to guac with a kick. That’s really funny that you get itchy when eating chicken wings hahaha


  2. Absolutely hilarious. I’m a great lover of the minuscule habanero, but growing up in the southwest I had a lot of practice and exposure.

    I use hot peppers liberally, but sometimes I still get caught off guard by that sliding Scoville scale. Sometimes I’ll buy jalapeΓ±os that are an absolute joke, and other times they’ll be far too hot and I’ll ruin whatever I’m cooking by adding too many.

    Perhaps the lesson I should take from this post is to always take a little bite off the tip first.


    1. Oh my gosh, hahaha. Thanks for the laugh in return! How does one get practice?? Is it just an immunity your tongue develops over time?


      1. As strange as it sounds, yeah! That’s exactly it. You acquire a tolerance and are able to handle hotter and hotter things. . . Eventually you might even discover that hot peppers actually have a flavor underneath all that heat.

        It’s a whole other, equally funny story, but I also taught myself to enjoy bitter tasting things. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you’re willing to torture your tastebuds over and over again! πŸ˜‰


        1. That’s really fascinating! I guess that’s maybe where the phrase “it’s an acquired taste” came from. I hope your tongue doesn’t hate you too much! πŸ˜›


  3. Funny!! I will not nor will I ever (unless I or a particular family member were going to die) eat a habenero pepper. The Capsaician or Ghost Pepper is extremely dangerous!! Well my husband being a Hispanic and all can, does and will bite into a habenero pepper like it’s nothing – me, I’m dying! After the initial bite, few coughs or clearing of burning throat, he will literally start sweating to the point of dripping off the chin!! He and his brother use to see who could eat the most at one time. INSANE I know. The Ghost Peppers, he will eat in salsas but cautiously.

    If your husband really wants to check out some good sauces/salsa from the insane dangerous spicy to the sweet nice tastes, check this company out. We personally have visited and taste tested many of their products. We are fortunate enough to have a location about 4 hrs from here in Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge, TN or 2 hrs Nashville, TN.

    And guacamole – LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! I make it all the time πŸ™‚



    1. Oh my gosh. Then you should check out the Youtube channel “First We Feast”. You would LOVE it! The guy brings celebrities on his show to talk about the goings on in their lives but before each question they have to eat a chicken wing with a level of hot sauce on it and basically move up the hot scale. The interviewer guy seriously has no tastebuds. They must have all been burned off long ago because there’s no effect but the celebrities are crying and cursing him! Watch this clip with Kevin Hart:


  4. I’m sitting here snickering like Muttley. You all are probably too young to remember Muttley but he was a cartoon dog who snickered. And that’s what I did. Just like him. You know. The one you don’t know. πŸ˜›


    1. Haha! You’re right! I don’t know the dog but thanks to YouTube I do now! Muttley is awesome! Kind of reminds me of Tom and Jerry. I’m not THAT young πŸ˜›


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