Trials of Friendship

I was talking to my closest friend last night and we got into a discussion about friendship. I’ve touched on this topic briefly in previous posts but last night it was weighing heavily on my mind so I decided to rant a little here and pick her brain a little there and ultimately decided this would probably make a good post even just to spill out everything I’m thinking right now. So in order to put it all together, I need to share a story about a friend I used to have.

About a year and a half ago, I met this girl while working. Actually I was one of the reasons she got hired at my workplace because I was one of her interviewers at the time. I wouldn’t say it was an instant friendship connection but we definitely got along really well and it grew tremendously in a short amount of time. We both really loved books which is normally how I connect with people because they share a love of reading but sometimes it’s for other reasons like sharing the same views or we just generally make a good team. We texted each other a lot; most of it about random stuff. And then we made it a point to hang out outside of work once a week. It worked really well for months. She was a bit scared to drive far distances so I would always go to her house. Plus, I lived in a one bedroom apartment and it’s hard to entertain in such a small space. We’d watch shows together and go to book sales, all that good stuff.

Then one day the texting pretty much stuttered to a trickle and then a stop all together. I didn’t understand why. Right before that, I had made a decision to transfer to a different store because it would provide me with better career development but I figured it wouldn’t affect our friendship too much cause technology was so great. I was pretty wrong and I got frustrated because I felt I was putting a lot into the friendship and pretty much getting nothing in return. When it became days between texts, I decided to ask her what was going on. I was always told her life was soo busy and she just didn’t have time to engage with me anymore. I admit, that hurt my feelings because I feel like it’s not that hard to message a person with the millions of avenues available to do so and especially when I’m becoming annoying by trying to reach this person almost every day.

I pretty much got tired of the excuses and simply stopped trying. Two weeks went by and I got radio silence. I figured if I’d stop sending her messages then maybe she’d get a clue and maybe take the initiative. She didn’t. So I gave up. I sent one last text telling her I could no longer be her friend and listed all the reasons why and that was the end of that. About a year later, I get a text from her asking me how life is.

ONE. YEAR. LATER.

I couldn’t even believe it. Like is this real life? And all that I had let go, the sadness and bitterness and anger and finally defeat came rushing back in one big ball of rage. I lashed out as much as you can in a text message and pretty much questioned why she was texting me. After a few exchanges, cause I’m sure she could tell I was heated, she informed me that even though I didn’t consider her my friend, she’s always still considered me her friend. Currently, in the present, she got wind that I’m pregnant and now she occasionally texts me wanting to know all the details about what’s going on my life but I’m quite short with her as you can probably imagine. I don’t really know how to feel about someone who can be a here again, gone again friend you know?

So I spilled all of this to my friend last night and told her how I feel like making friends is the easy part but keeping them is so hard. Maybe I’m desperate because I’m only getting older and making friends as an adult is harder than it was when we were kids. Or maybe I just care too much and I shouldn’t but I’m such an emotional person and I can’t help it. My feelings do get hurt easily and my response is to pretty much shut them off at least to the outside world and present this facade that I don’t care when I really do at least for a little while.

I equated growing a friendship to a sapling growing into a tree. You have a little sapling you’ve just planted and you check on it every single day, watering it and making sure it’s getting enough sunlight so it can grow to be a strong tree that’ll live a lifetime. If you stop watering that sapling for a day, it’ll still grow a little because it has a bit of nutrients stored in the roots. But if you stop watering that sapling for a week and then a week turns into two or more, that sapling is going to start to die and by the time you come back to it and realize you wanted to save it, it’s either already dead or a small seed will float elsewhere to try and root itself to become stronger than before.

Maybe I’m absolutely sensitive that I think so deeply on this subject but I think ultimately it stems from trying to understand how other people think and how it seems so easy for someone to borderline forget that you were a great friend. Or maybe you weren’t and they just didn’t inform you of their true feelings so instead floated away cause that was easier?

Long read and heavy topic I know. If you made it all the way to the end, I commend you, you’re awesome and I hope you’ll share your thoughts in the comments below. πŸ™‚

36 thoughts on “Trials of Friendship

        1. Haha, thanks, Cim! I didn’t really know how to go about announcing it and since this is my first, I wanted to be sure I was doing this right before saying anything to anyone including family if you can believe that!

          Liked by 2 people

  1. How did I miss the fact that you’re pregnant? OMG that’s amazing! Congratulations… I feel like a terrible ‘blog’ friend and I’m sorry. I’m so happy for you what a wonderful and fantastic journey to take!

    Friendship can sometimes be more complicated than marriage and sometimes more simple. It’s not a predictable union with set rules. The hardest thing to do is to understand and know what the other person is going through. The reasons for a ‘shutout’ could be simple and embarrassing or devastating and shameful. Who knows?
    I’ve had my share of fair-weather friends, and it hurts when they trample on the friendship you hold dear.
    It’s a tricky thing to know when to keep reaching out and when to stop, we are taught from birth that once burned don’t touch again. It freaking hurts. The same goes with the heart, that can freaking hurt too.
    Trust your heart and instinct, if you must, find out what happened if only to set your mind at ease. You have no obligation to anyone but yourself, keep to you what makes you happy and clean house of that which does not.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You are not a bad blog friend! I didn’t announce it so I promise you didn’t miss anything. I snuck it in there cause it was relevant to my story πŸ˜‰

      As for the rest, you give some really great advice. That is what I always try to do is figure out what happened especially if it was my fault somehow. And then of course I want to try and fix it because I don’t give up easily but you are so right, it’s hurts so much and once the bridge is burned it’s ingrained for it to be beyond repair. Trust, instinct and honesty is definitely the best policy; I agree.

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      1. Phew, I was worried that I missed a post or something… Now that its out in the open I cant wait to hear about your experiences and trust me they will be interesting. People say the strangest and funniest things to pregnant women. Be prepared for the torrential downpour of advice, wanted or not πŸ˜‰ . My advice is to listen to all of it, don’t dismiss anything but use your own judgement for what you take to heart and use. Enjoy every moment!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Haha! Yes, I’d only just made a Facebook announcement last week and we’re 5 months along. I just wanted to make sure I wouldn’t miscarriage before I got to this point cause you just never know. As for saying the strangest things, I probably do say strange things like I call it a body snatching terrorist but that’s because sleeping on my side sucks, hahaha. You sound like you’ve been through this before or know someone who has?? Right now, I know for sure that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and no inclination to do it again probably ever. πŸ™‚

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  2. I have to agree with how you were feeling because it’s exactly how I would’ve reacted. When it comes to finding a good friend, you just don’t let go–you hold on to it for as long as you can. That’s me, and you’re right to say that finding awesome friends is hard to come by. It takes work in the beginning as you try to establish a relationship and get to know someone. You need those roots. I do agree that life can get busy, but when weeks turn into months, I have to wonder. Certainly a message isn’t that hard.

    I’ll jump on board and say congrats even though I already knew, lol! I’m so excited. β€πŸ’œβ€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Exactly. A message, in this day in age is so easy to get to someone I feel like. It’s not like we’re back in the days where everything was post mail anymore which is fantastic for friend making. Agreed, yes, you begin to wonder about so many things the longer the silence stretches and then you just stop caring which sucks but it’s like what other choice do you have?

      Haha thank you my fantastic advice giving guru, beautiful amazing friend. ❀ πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Well now you have to make the announcement for real on your blog! HAHAHA πŸ˜‰

    Friends….I long for a “lifetime” friend but know deep down that it will never happen. Why? I moved around way tou much as a kid, am a very much people person but haven’t found that one true friend….

    I worked at a teaching hospital for over 12 years and instantly became friends with on my coworkers. It was more than a friendship it was a sisterhood ALAS I found my lifetime friend – wrong. The two of us dealt with and experienced so much together, deaths, heartbreaks, weddings, birthdays, amazing family get togethers, vacations, divorces…until one day – that one day that literally crushed my heart and soul. She looked my in the eye and said we can no longer be friends. After 16+ years you are telling me it’s over? I began to weep. She was seeing someone (ironically I knew this person she was seeing and we were friends as well!!) and he told her that he didn’t like Mexicans (this happened when Robin and I first started seeing each other). What??? You are letting someone who was and is an idiot! a racist idiot!!! dictate our sisterhood/friendship relationship over someones race??? Someone neither of you have met or got to know and would fall in love with!! Yes, yes she did and just like that it was over. I never fully recovered from this and I still miss her terribly. I long for all those wonderful times, secret pal handshake type things we did, laughing and everything we had in common topics, idea and thoughts.

    Sorry, I kinda went over the crazy side ranting but I understand the pain and heartbreak and know where you’re coming from.

    Love ya girlie!! ❀❀❀

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hahahaha! I guess I should huh. Maybe next week πŸ˜‰

      As for your friendship, that is absolutely the worst thing ever. I can’t believe she let another person’s opinion about another race end what sounded like a spectacular friendship! How can you even look your SO in the eye who’s racist? I can’t even fathom that. It’s so sad that she was your forever sister and then just dropped you just like that. Blows my mind. I’ll be your forever friend!!! You’re such an amazing soul! You AND Robin!
      Thank you for your comment truly and sharing this thought provoking story. I’m glad I’m not alone in this for sure.

      LOVE YOU TOO!!! ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww! Awkward is sometimes I good thing just gotta find the right people who appreciate it but I can understand where you’re coming from especially if you’ve had a lot of bad experiences. Makes it hard to even want to try and build a bridge with another individual.

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  4. Amazing news Nel, the baby, not the friend! This is the thing you hinted at in your post about ‘Secrets’ so I’ve been waiting for some announcement and like others thought I had missed it, phew!
    Friendships come i many different forms, I have some that are drought hardy plants, only need the occasional visit and they thrive anyway, then others that are like hot house flowers and wilt if you look at them wrong. I think the most important thing is to nourish the ones that mean the most to you, and to quote Ellen, be kind πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Ms. Bad! Haha, yes that was the secret I hinted at in that post so it was a good secret it just needed the right timing to be spilled. I guess I should make some sort of “official” blog announcement thing at some point, haha.

      I adore your analogies! “Drought hardy plants” and “hot house flowers”; aaaah you understand me so well. I totally agree and that’s what I’ve been doing. Putting my energy where I know its appreciated then trying to make others see my worth I guess. Yes, Ellen has the best quote! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m happy that snuck in that big reveal here on WP! I was wondering when I might see a post. Sneaky woman just slipping in this post like it’s no big deal! As for the friend thing, I would question why she wanted to get back into your life. If she heard you were pregnant maybe that was what spurred her to do it. Some people go all gushy over other people’s pregnancies and want to know every little detail. i think you are right to keep your distance. You don’t need that type of person sucking the life out of you when you are growing a new life inside of you! β€οΈπŸ’•β€οΈπŸ’•β€οΈ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha. It isn’t a big deal, but that’s coming from the grumpy human who’s body’s been snatched, lmao.

      Thank you for agreeing with my decision. I get that bringing new life in the world can be the center of attention but I brought more to the table before this and wasn’t appreciated enough then you know? You are correct! I don’t need another life sucking parasite. I’m contending with one enough for a lifetime right now, hahahahaha! ❀ πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

          1. Oh I don’t know…I like the (semi?) adult Nel I know just fine! By the way, I love how you are handling this. No gushiness, funny bodysnatcher jokes…you are truly awesome! I’m not a baby person, but little kids are lots of fun. You’re gonna have a ball!

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    1. Hahaha! I think I’m going to “announce it” for Facebook Friday tomorrow because of all the comments I got on this post. Thank you though! It’s definitely a journey right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Whoa massive congrats for being pregnant!! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ (I’m noticing from comments that this is the first time you’ve mentioned it, so I’m not panicking that I missed the announcement and just want to say a huge CONGRATULATIONS!!! SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!)
    Umm I’m so distracted by that announcement I forgot a lot of the other things I was gonna say. Just that I think you’re right about friendship being like a sapling (and that’s a great metaphor) But yeah really lovely news! So happy for you! ❀ ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, Thank you! I decided to do an “official” sort of quarter post today for everyone because of the reaction I got, haha. Sorry it distracted your thoughts from what you wanted to say but i’m glad you liked the metaphor πŸ™‚

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  7. My darling Nel, you will be a fabulous mother. You already love our Earth so I am sure you will give all the right values and love to your kid. Congratulations… All my good wishes to you.
    As far as friendship is concerned, I don’t let people get too close to me nowadays. I used to be like you, wanting to grow the friendship. But Nel, we forget one thing, life happens to all of us and to friends too. Who knows what she has gone through. Maybe something happened and everything stopped for her.
    I am not justifying anyone’s behavior.
    I can only talk from my behaviour.
    Nel I had good friends, people who genuinely cared for me, messaged me and all that.
    One day, suddenly, my aunty died and I became frozen inside. My entire family did. She was our biggest support, my second mother and I became numb.
    I couldn’t connect with anyone. I couldn’t share. I couldn’t see beyond my grief, I went into myself even though I functioned in the real world, going to work, paying bills. But when it came to personal, even my closest friend enquiring was like rubbing friction to my already burnt soul. So I withdrew, stopped messaging everyone, stopped responding to all my friends. They got hurt and angry. But I couldn’t help it. I was in too much pain which I put me in a box. I became indifferent. It took 6 months to 2 years for me to become okay. But I lost friends. They got angry ranted against me. I didn’t say anything. As they were right. I understand it is not possible for friendship to be one sided and I couldn’t share my pain. So I kept quiet. I still message them once in a while. But they are indifferent to me. I understand and I let them go.
    I am not saying all are good or bad. But Nel sometimes life happens more than we can take. I was both right and wrong and they were right too.
    Hope I made sense.
    And I rambled on…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First off, thank you! I hope to do my very best as a mother of a human considering I’ve only ever been a mother of animals and it took my husband lots of years to convince me to even want to go through with this in the first place, haha.
      Second, I totally understand what you mean. I guess for me it’s the social part of me that just wants a connection. It usually starts as sparks but when they flame up I just expect the flame to always continue burning brightly. I do get that people get busy sometimes but as someone who has in insanely busy life, I can’t even imagine, even on a tiny scale neglecting my friends to the point that they stop caring about me. Like you said, we process everything differently and I’ve always been very open about what’s going on in my life especially to my friends because they’re usually able to help me pull through or give me insight into something similar they may have experienced and how they dealt with it. I also used to be the type to just go silent on people when something bothered me. I’d be silent for days and weeks at a time but I grew to learn that that is the ultimate stab wound that cuts people out of your life and I guess I vowed for that not to be me anymore. So now when I get the treatment, it truly hurts but I have to pretend to be indifferent to the indifference I’m receiving even though I don’t want to.
      I’m really glad to read though that you are so understanding and can see the rights on both sides. I definitely need to take a page out of your book sometimes, Shalini.
      (P.S. I rambled right back!) We could probably have a conversation all night long if we allowed ourselves, haha.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can see your point, how much it hurts others when we withdraw. But Nel, sometimes I just have to withdraw, I have to be with me. I don’t want people who know me the most to remain with me, worrying about me. I know it is very contrary.
        But it is like this (for me) I am hurt and I am in extreme pain, I need time to process it through. To people who know me, they worry they ask, they try to bring me out. But I don’t want that. I want to just be me. I don’t know how else to explain. I think it comes from the dark days of childhood where the pain is given my people who are supposed to protect you. Then freezing is the only option to survive the next day.
        As far as friends are concerned, I have learned to take them with a pinch of salt, as even the closest can betray you (been there, done that) but Nel I am moody I have my dark days where I hate every one and I can’t be a good friend till I come out of those.
        Since I can’t be a good friend, I don’t expect much from people. One can’t expect what one can’t give.
        Some have told I should share more, but I find people are uncomfortable with the honest truth that abuse exists. It seems so close to home for them. So I have stopped sharing.
        I had made some good friends here, and I shared. What I got from them, is that it is time to snap off from the past and other such sayings. But Nel, I don’t want that from a friend. He/she has just got to be there, when I snap out, how I snap out, is up to me. Soon I realized most people haven’t seen much in life, so it is difficult for them to understand. And I left them to their innocent lives.
        I can’t talk about others, so all my comments are based on my life experiences and what works for me.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I understand that. The way that you cope is just the way that you cope and heal. There’s nothing wrong with that at all and if you’ve been friends with someone long enough, they would understand those moments where you need to be within yourself. Or even if it hasn’t been that long and you briefly explain, I’m sure any good friend would understand.
    Yes definitely. I’ve been burned a lot unfortunately and so it just causes that thick wall to not break down so easily.
    I can see that too but being a good friend can have it’s own interpretation. You can be a good friend just in a different way then what society deems a good friend cause we’re all different. Oh yes, I understand the naivety. I do the exact same where those innocents are concerned.
    Oh yes and I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me, truly πŸ€—

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  9. Love your post, I’m kind of going through a similar experience and it is hard. Deciding if you want to feel bad everyday because your friend has put you on a back burner and you no longer seem like a priority. For me also being sensitive, it makes me start to wonder about my self-worth. Not because I put all my happiness or emotions on one person but because I care so much about my friend and seeing how it is now from how it use to be something changed… so your always wondering what that is. Not that we as women/people in general can’t make other friends or do things without being together constantly, but your right, there is always a sec or two that you can text/email/call just to be like, β€œHow is your day, or Hope things are well, so busy lately, etc etc.” I love your comparison to a sapling, it is a great visual to think about. Thanks for your post. I hope things get better!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your wonderful comment and I’m so sorry that you’re going through something similar right now. I hope it all works out the way you hope it does. I totally understand what you mean about being out on the back burner when you’ve gotten so used to the regularity. Oh yes you make a good point about self worth as well. I know I had moments where I wondered what I keep doing wrong cause every time I think it’s going to be different this time it ends up being the same. Yes! Technology makes it so easy! I just can’t fathom how people don’t have even 30 seconds to send a simple text. Thank you so much again for visiting and your brilliant comment. πŸ˜πŸ’œ

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