Rumis #2

Long while ago, I made a rumis post. I forget what it was about and since I transferred the blog it got lost in cyberspace maybe (I didn’t actually go search for it; laziness and all that). In the post I talked about something that was weighing on my mind. Well, today I’m having another one of those and I feel like sharing.

Have you ever had someone tell you that they’re the type of person that doesn’t do well with confrontation? I’ve been thinking about what that truly means because when I hear it, I view it as someone who doesn’t like to invite drama in their life or maybe they don’t do well with drama. So I decided to Google it.

Definition of confrontation

the act of confronting the state of being confronted: such as
a a face-to-face meeting 

  • confrontation between the suspect and the victim
b the clashing of forces or ideas conflict 

  • a violent confrontation between rival gangs

Both of these definitions seem quite hostile wouldn’t you say? When I talk about confrontation, I generally mean it in terms of if you have a problem, whether it be with a person, place or thing, you address it. I’ll be the first to admit that I can be very confrontational and not in a bad way. If there’s something wrong, I want to know and if a person doesn’t volunteer the information on their own, there’s a huge chance I’m going to ask them up front. If I have a problem with a product I bought, best believe I’m calling the seller or manufacturer to fix it or give me my money back. If I had a bad experience at a place, I will most definitely make the place aware of my negative experience and even go so far as to leave a negative review if they seem like they don’t care.

I wasn’t always this way. It was actually my husband that brought this out in me. I used to be the queen of giving people the silent treatment. It wasn’t so that I wouldn’t have to confront them, it just made me feel like I had the upper hand because I wasn’t responsive. I can remember arguments we would have back in our dating stages where I would treat him like he didn’t existed even though we lived in the same house and slept in the same bed. It came quite easily because again, I felt I was the superior one and could talk on my terms not his.

Let me tell you, I almost lost him over it.

He broke down one day. Told me that he knows I’m really upset but he needed me to know how the silence was hurting him more than me not talking about my upset. It was a pivotal moment for me, let me tell you. I ended up feeling like complete shit because I realized he was right. How do you solve a problem with continual silence? How can someone know what’s really going on in your head if you don’t say anything?

I always tell everyone I’m not a mind reader. I’ve learned to use this phrase over and over again. I learned the lesson best while working in retail and experienced all the behind the back talking because people were too afraid to speak their minds but found it really easy to gossip to other people. It’s literally dumping fuel on a spark that is going to turn into a raging fire. I also learned that it doesn’t help to be passive aggressive either. Again, most of us are not mind readers. Sometimes it simply needs to be spelled out if you’re at all interested in a problem getting fixed. So I became that manager that speak to people head on. Some people appreciated it and some people didn’t and that’s perfectly fine but I had to job to do and ultimately it made my staff comfortable enough to come speak to me instead of spreading gossip every day.

I’m definitely not perfect and I know I can be a tough individual to deal with but I always promise honesty and I have no problems apologizing for something if I’m in the wrong. Does that make me a confrontational person? Maybe, but I think ultimately it makes me a better human being in general. In a world where most of us talk to each other on the internet, I often ponder how people can’t be more bold and more forward even if they aren’t in real life. It’d be a real confidence booster if you ask me considering it’s like a 5% chance, maybe less, that we’ll ever meet in real life. That’s not how I roll of course. What you see is what you’d get in real life but the screen is almost more of a confidence booster than a dampener I would think. But we’re all different so I definitely don’t fault anyone at all who has a different though process. All I want to do is understand, apologize and fix stuff so we’re all happy in the end. Is that too much to ask? I don’t know; maybe.

What do you think? Do you view the definition of confrontational different than Merriam Webster? Would you consider yourself confrontational or non-confrontational? This is a touchy subject so don’t feel obligated to comment if you don’t want to!

16 thoughts on “Rumis #2

  1. I have to say that the definitions seem a little harsh. I don’t think confrontation has to mean it will always be hostile, although I think people who avoid confrontation avoid it for that reason, to avoid a potentially negative situation. I agree that being honest and letting someone know how you feel about something is the way to work it out, but it’s not as easy for some and it depends on the situation. Some people get their feelings hurt and that’s that. I’ve been in those situations myself and I’m sure most of us have.

    Honestly, silence hurts and I don’t like that avenue. If my husband is giving me the silent treatment, I feel horrible and become totally unproductive, lol. We are all so different and deal with things our own ways. I’m not sure which is the best, but I think knowing that we can talk about things and repair problems is a good feeling. It’s good to know that we can be honest with each other and truly understand how we all feel and in turn it might help.

    As far as being confrontational, I think I’m a little of both. I’ll admit that people have upset me and hurt my feelings in the past and I left and didn’t look back. I didn’t bother, but it depends on the situation and how much I care about the person. I guess it gets back to your post about building friendships too.

    I think I can go on and on about this subject, lol. In a nutshell though, being honest and telling someone they hurt your feelings or did something you didn’t like will lead to a solution quicker, but I don’t know if it will always be a good one. 💖

    Awesome thought-provoking post again, Nel!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well first let me say thank you for this comment because its amazing and I love it. I live for these comments, haha!

      I’m glad you agree with me about the definition being a little harsh. I can see how it’s not easy for people to work something out as well especially when you’re not used to it. It definitely took me a while to get to this point myself. We all learn and grow differently.

      Yes! Silence is a stab wound man that just bleeds slowly. It does make the other party receiving it feel completely horrible! Yes, agreed. It is definitely a good feeling when you know you can talk about things and repair any problems you have with a person. Its a huge relief.

      I can understand being non-confrontational when your feelings get hurt right out the gate. It’s the situations where it seemed liked everything was okay and then suddenly it wasn’t and you’re confused as when you got that memo! Yes, definitely situational; case by case basis.

      Yes, I think I like the quick solution, probably stems from my impatientness even if it’s not always a good solution at least it’s a closed solution you know?

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  2. I agree with both of you that the word confrontation has a harsh ring to it. It makes me think of punishment. If you look up the synonyms, they are kind of battle related.

    I am also very open with people about my thoughts and feelings. I like to know where people stand, and I try to let others know where I stand with things. I am also just generally an open person who doesn’t hide much about myself, with some exceptions. I understand how/why others are a bit reserved, though.

    Before my treatment for bipolar disorder, sometimes I was even a bit excessively and sometimes aggressively blunt and open, but I’ve softened up quite a bit over the years. Still, as soft as you are in your delivery some people get shocked by too much information. I’ve learned to hold back a little even though it is sort of not my nature.

    Passive aggression is just terrible. I’d rather someone come up to me and say outright “Updownflight, you really pissed me of because…” To me, that is a favor. It opens my eyes to something I maybe did/said wrong, and is generous because I can then apologize or at least explain myself.

    I have no fears of telling service people when service or the product is unacceptable. Just yesterday I had a lousy appetizer taken off my restaurant bill by speaking up. It’s usually always me that speaks up and not my husband. Speaking up is, again, generous in some ways. If they apologize and take the item off the bill (or do something else) I will likely return. If they don’t, I probably won’t. Which is really nicer to them?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think we’ve touched in this before you and I Cindy and how we are very much alike when it comes to open mindedness. I agree with you 100%. I like right know where I stand and I like people to know where I stand as well.

      I can see that as well. Im also an information overloader but it just feels so normal to just have it all out in the open but then yes, for some you learn that you have to hold back cause you’re too much of a shock.

      Yes!!! I’m glad you agree about the passive aggressive bit. It’s so horrible. It’s almost worse than silence. I want to know it all even if it makes me upset. Hearing it third party it just so rude.

      Oh man such a good point! That’s a great example! If you don’t speak up, then you can’t be upset about something as simple as paying the bill for something lousy later. Plus I’m sure the restaurant appreciated you speaking up cause then they know to do better in the future cause you’re right; they’ll want you coming back.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. For me it is completely dependent on situation and circumstance whether I’m confrontational or not. I think I often choose the wrong method and I’m either too quiet or too up in one’s grill. There are so many variables that this is one of those things that is never predictable or something we can have complete control over how we react or handle confrontation or avoiding it. It’s true some people are more inclined one way or the other I have a friend that is too compliant and it affects her life negatively.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I can relate to that. I get borderline obnoxious with my need to know what’s going on sometimes and then others I’m perfectly okay with one word answers. You are definitely right. We’re all different and the situations we encounter are very different from each other as well and you make a good point. Sometimes what seems like the right choice ends up being the most hurtful for the individual especially when they feel it should be the other way around. Thank you for your insight, Cim! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Confrontation does not have to be the bad guy in the room. Too often we allow silence and denial to to crowd the air never getting anywhere in terms of solving the problems. How we choose to confront our situations is what determines the success or the failure of it all. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Man, Cherylene I think you summed it up best! “doesn’t have to be the bad guy in the room”; perfect! Thank you for giving me a piece of advice I’m totally going to remember from now on. 💜

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  5. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being confrontational (I don’t mean that in a bad way either- I mean it how you said, with tackling problems head on) And yeah I think it’s always good to act and speak out when a products bad etc. It’s no good just taking it. I think it’s amazing that you learnt this from being with your husband, because it shows how you’ve helped each other grow and that’s what the best relationships are about (imo). And I so agree with the sentiment “I’m not a mind reader”- it’s something I say a lot as well 😉 Just tell me what the problem is, I can’t guess or deal with passive aggressive shit. And yeah I think the internet helps. And honestly I think one of the most important things in life, when it comes to working out differences, is actually *talking* about them- it doesn’t have to be an aggressive or bad thing, but it’s okay to be blunt! Love this post and couldn’t agree more!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m so glad you agree with me. And yes I agree when it comes to products or even just services, I definitely speak out especially when my money is involved. I need a good experience when I’m paying or there will be complications and not for me, lol. Haha, yes. I was talking about it to a friend and I just happened to remember that happened. It was a turning point in our relationship and it’s definitely got us to where we are today. I’m so grateful he saw more than what I was seeing and had the courage to tell me for sure. Yes! Agreed! If more people would talk to each other instead of behind the scenes or not at all, I think the world would be a marginally better place. The blunt ones of us are truly not it to be aggressive but sometimes there’s no other way to emphasize a point you know? I’m so glad you liked this post. Thank you again!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. The definition, my goodness, too hostile. But again, not every confrontation has to end up that way. Though a lot of unnecessary things end up being said when people get heated up. They get hurt because things tend to escalate PRETTY quickly during confrontations. Maybe that’s why we avoid them so much. But I’m like you, in a way. Silence gets me nowhere, before a confrontation. If nothing is solved by the confrontation, I save my breath and move on from it.

    To answer your question, “All I want to do is understand, apologize and fix stuff so we’re all happy in the end. Is that too much to ask?” No. Not at all, Nel.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, you are very much correct. I would be the first to admit that I’ve said things to a person I know would hurt but only because I want them to hurt as much as I do which is wrong. I can agree with avoidance in that instance for sure. Yes! I agree with you. If nothing gets solved after a confrontation I can at least breath easier later knowing that at least I tried.

      Oh thank you! I feel even complicated things could be simple in the end. 😁 Thank you for your insight friend!

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  7. There are different types of confrontation. If you go out spoiling for a fight because you love the drama of that type of confrontation, that’s probably not a good sign. 😉 However, if you disagree with someone and talk it out that’s a type of confrontation that’s really healthy. Suffering in silence rather than speaking your mind is worse than healthy types of confrontation could ever be. My two cents…YMMV

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like your two cents Linda. I’m pretty sure I would even like your three cents! I agree. I mean if you go out looking for a fight all the time that’s not very healthy though I know for some people that’s their version of coping with their own problems I guess? But yes, speaking up is 100% better than silence any day of the week!

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