Keep Calm and Scream

So the daily word prompt word today is qualm. I have never used that word in a sentence in my life. I know what it means but it’s one of those awkward big words that just doesn’t occur in everyday conversation.

Here’s a funny story.

Remember my spider in the shower post? Well I had another spider incident today but it was in my car this time.

I’m driving home from work today and I usually call my husband to let him know I’m on my way home and we share work stories. Let me reiterate here, it takes me 45 minutes to an hour to get home okay. Remember this. And today I had to make an emergency UPS run so my voyage home was going to be slightly delayed.

So I’m listening to him tell me about his work day. I’m paying close attention to the road because I’m in start-stop traffic. He’s good into this story and I’d just finish checking my mirrors when I notice something.

Don’t get me wrong, peripheral vision is great. It’s fantastic. But today was not one of those days!

Excuse my French from this point on because this is truly what I said.

I’m good and absorbed in my husband’s story when I see something move out of the corner of my eye.

I swear to God I almost crashed.

There sitting IN MY FACE, on the dashboard, was a spider. This spider was the size of a dime, black, hairy, had white spots all over it.

I completely interrupted my husband with bouts of “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT! IS THAT A SPIDER! IT BETTER NOT FUCKING MOVE?! OMG ITS MOVING! SHIT, SHIT, I’M DRIVING! I HAVE TO PULL OVER! I CAN’T HANDLE THIS! SAVE ME!”

And he’s on the other end of the line like, “How’d a spider get in the car? Did you leave the windows open at work? A dime isn’t that big. Just pull over on the side of the highway.”

This spider ended up moving over to the passenger window and I’m like YES! because then I could open the window and it’ll fly out of the car. Of course it doesn’t do that so I lose sight of it and that freaks me out even more. I still have at least 25 minutes left on this drive! My adrenaline meter is off the charts but I’d rather not cause a 50 car pile up so since it’s out of sight I just keep calm and keep driving.

My husband was on the phone with me the whole time. I pretty much told him there was no way I was going to make it to UPS. So I got this plan into my mind that I would come home first, have him open the passenger side door and let the spider out and then go to UPS after because I’d feel safe in my vehicle again. During the rest of my drive, I keep my peripheral on the spot where that spider disappeared and occasionally he would pop his little self out and, I imagine, check to see if the coast was clear so he could spread his web all over my car!

So I pull up in the driveway and I’m begging my husband to hurry up and get out there and take care of this situation. He comes out and asks me where it is. Of course, I suddenly get some balls and take a picture of the thing and then scream at him to hurry up again, lol.

He opens the door slightly and the spider moves up to the window. At that point, I had opened the window. So Spider crawls into the window crack and my husband makes the “hurry up and roll the window back up motion” because the spider is on the outside of the car at this point. Upon examination he goes, “Damn that is a big spider.” and proceeds to take a picture of it from the outside of the car.

From this point on I laughed my ass off because that spider decided enough was enough and jumped. I was safe inside the car but my husband jumped like 3 feet back and I died. I rolled down the window and told him, “THATS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS AFRAID WOULD HAPPEN WHILE I WAS DRIVING!” Then my laughter got ruined because a piece of tree fell down in the car and I screamed.

The End

Nel

Happily married, bookaholic, Netflix-a-holic sharing random experiences and interpretations of my world which is brutally honest most of the time.

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29 thoughts on “Keep Calm and Scream

    • I rescued your comment from the spam bot! If it was a wasp I definitely would have wrecked as well! At least spiders are quiet. The buzzing from a wasp combined with the possibility of getting stung would have been too much!

      • I checked my Spam the other day and had several comments there that I had missed that were not spam. I guess I will need to check it more frequently!

  1. I don’t know how it has never happened, but I pray a spider never climbs out of the toilet I’m sitting on.
    I gently send them on a piece of toilet paper outside… My husband, a big lumberjack type, deep sexy voice…. he’s scared. The other day he was putting on work boots that had been sitting in the garage. He decides to tip them over first and spiders come crawling out. So he used the air compressor to try to clean them and STILL put them on. But just to be safe, he did a little stompy stomp, like a football drill or a ballerina doing tap dance.

    Fun story! The end reminds me of another experience you have just inspired me to write.

    Did you ever make it to UPS?

    • There is no way in hell, even after being compressed, with air would I put my foot in a shoe that was full of spiders moments before. That would be the end of those shoes and they would be burned 😂. Happy to inspire you to write and yes! I made it to UPS before they closed hahahaha

  2. I am here left in a maelstrom of emotions. I threw that out there because you mentioned awkward big words and this one seemed to fit. Back to my emotions. I am, in non particular order:

    Happy you didn’t kill the spider. I’m not a curl up next to a spider kinda gal, but I love them from AFAR!

    Happy the spider didn’t bite you. That would have sucked!

    Happy you didn’t kill other motorists and/or yourself That would have sucked more.

    Sad that you hate spiders (they eat a LOT of icky things) Yes, there are ickier things than spiders. Oh no, now she’s going to fear all of the ickier things than spiders. Shut up Linda, just shut up!

    Amused that the spider kept reappearing from his hidey-hole enough to keep you on your toes.

    Curious about where you live because I’ve never seen a spider with white dots all over it. Hmmm…maybe I have, but I might not have…yes, it was definitely one of those!

    Wondering if it was the freshly-freed spider who caused the piece of tree to fall on the car. I mean, look at it from the spider’s point of view! Retribution was definitely not off the table for him/her.

    Feel badly for the poor car who had no part in this whatsoever except for harboring that spider and…oh well, yeah, there is that…..

    Mostly, I am dying laughing thinking about your husband jumping back and you getting to see it. My laughing, however, is unencumbered because I am not plagued by flying tree parts possibly put into motion by an understandably distraught spider.

    • Hahahahahahahahaha! I *try* not to kill spiders if I can help it. I’m usually not afraid of daddy long legs because I know they eat other, worse bugs but I can only just handle it when they’re in my face or crawling on me! We’re in Northeast Ohio and that’s my first time seeing a spider like that ever. He now lives somewhere out there. My husband I made sure he got to grass safely. I think maybe it thought my car was related to it because it’s black? No white spots though. I’m glad for all the things you said too! It all could have gone way differently had I truly panicked, haha!

  3. Eek! And I thought small spiders in my bathroom were scary! I always have to get them out of the bathroom somehow before I take a bath. Super hilarious story, especially your husband’s reaction at the end!

    • Those are scary too! I wrote all about spiders appearing in the shower with me in a different post! That’s a sign spring/summer is here! All the crawlies come out from hibernation! Glad you enjoyed the story. His reaction was the best!

  4. “A dime isn’t that big” is definitely NOT what I want to hear while I freak over an insect!!
    Another great post. Gives the first one a good run for its money 😂😂

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