Trust

You ever think about the people in your life and the level of trust they have in you? This is a bit random but the 23rd of this month was my one year anniversary working at my job. I’ve shared this story in the past but I pretty much bred  myself to work with animals with what I thought would be the rest of my life. I went to school for biology and switched majors to wildlife conservation because I had huge dreams of being a zookeeper some day. I never made it to a zoo but I did get to experience a few wildlife rehabilitation internships, including the start up of one at my college and I also got to go to Maui for 7 months for a breeding and propagation internship on endemic birds.

One day however, I had a bit of wake up call so to speak and had to divert my animal attention to domestics instead of wildlife. So for a few years after working with all the wildlife I transitioned to working in pet retail, vet clinics and doggie day cares. I grew to love the work that I do, especially with the variety of pets on a daily basis but the jobs themselves started to take a toll. The vet clinics became hard to deal with especially when you dealt with pet parents losing their pets or trying to let them go. The pet retail became mentally exhausting because of the constant people interactions and doggie day care just became exhausting. My last stint in retail I got a taste of being a manager which was a first for me. I was always encouraged into management but I never wanted it because of the ridiculous hours a manager had to work. Work/life balance is pretty important to me.

The job I’m in now is a pretty chill job in comparison to all the other jobs I had combined. You’ve all seen the stories from the previous year of me picking cherries and dealing with honeybees. Not really in my job description but fun nonetheless. In the past 6 months or so, my boss has had me dabbling a little bit in the company’s finances such as depositing checks, paying bills and even checking payroll hours. My  job description is Office Manager guys. I’m a paper pusher/morale booster in this place. So for me to be involved in the money part of this business was a bit shocking to me at first. Obviously, I can be trusted. I’m a very honest person and I care about keeping my job cause you know, can’t eat if I don’t work and I really, really like eating.

It just sort of blows my mind these days the things shared with me. I don’t doubt that I can be trusted of course but I wonder when did the switch go off in my boss’s head that I can be trusted on an even greater level? I know the whole point of a job is to make money and grow to make more money because who likes living paycheck to paycheck but how is this gauged?

This can be related to my personal life as well. I’m generally a very open person and have no problem talking about anything, even the uncomfortable topics. It’s frowned upon sometimes I’m sure because, well, you need to have some type of filter but when you just have this feeling of comfortable with a person, it’s like the dam opens and it all just floods out. I often wonder how I gained this level of confidence in myself to just be able to share stuff with people I feel I can trust or who can generally relate to my experiences. Or they might not be able to relate at all. For example, I work with an 80 year old who is completely racist even if he won’t admit it to himself. Most times he doesn’t realize what he’s saying but I believe he knows exactly what he’s saying. Does it bother me? Not in the least. I can go toe to toe with the best of them but he’s 80. Do I aim to change his mind? No. There’s no point. But I do make my stance on things very clear and I think he has a respect towards me that he didn’t expect. Honestly, I didn’t expect it either. I never know sometimes what I’m going to say until I say it. But that’s how it should be right? But then I think about people like the president who I feel should think before he opens his mouth ever and I feel like I contradict myself.

Anyway, my thoughts are all over the place. I think ultimately I’m just wondering if people have like a trust meter that they use to gauge how much they tell a person or if it really doesn’t matter that much because with trust comes confidence and I guess you’d need a certain level of confidence in order to trust people? I don’t know.

If you were able to keep up with my jumble of thoughts, what do you think of it all? Let me know in the comments below!

Rumis #1

My post is so late! Aaaaah! Forgive me!

I have a feeling there will be a lot of these posts where I start to want to talk about something and then think of something else that would make a better post but it’s a jumbled assortment of thoughts. We’ll call this series, that will be as random as my mind, rumis as in ruminations of Nel.

A couple amazing people I’ve met through here, I talk to on an almost hourly basis. I love technology because even though we are all in different parts of the globe, we’re able to talk, laugh, cry and be happy together. The individuals I’m referring to, I consider family. I was talking with one the other day and we were discussing that phrase, “You can’t choose your family.” My instant reaction was, “yes I can.” It was a knee jerk response. But then I thought about it and I truly believe you can choose your family. Peela, I’m putting you on blast right now, has been more of a sister than me than my actual blood sister ever has. I mean that is a profound statement to make but it’s sadly true. I only interact with my family on maybe three occasions a year, if that. It’s hard to want to be around people who are constantly competing with each other or are magnets for drama. I have enough drama elsewhere in my life not to want to have to take it from my family too you know?

I started blogging back in February and since then, I can make a whole list of people who are family. Family doesn’t have to be, to steal a quote from Game of Thrones, blood of my blood. I like to be around open-minded, understanding, hilarious, generous individuals. These are like minded people to me. They boost my confidence to continue being my silly, positive, sometimes brutally honest, very emotional self. They expect nothing less from me. Actually they expect nothing at all from me except to continually strengthen this bond we have so that it lasts forever. When a person like that is staring you in the face, how can you not call them family? I mean if you are willing to listen to me rant about everything under the sun from my crappy day to my political views and still love me anyway, you are simply everything.

Anyway, keeping this post short today. I also want to point out that I’ve gotten into the habit of sending people mail and/or care packages (if you’ve never had a Reese Cup, I’m sending you one so you better mention that in the comments below). I want to say that my life is pretty hectic but I haven’t forgotten mail or letters I’ve received from some of my family and I hope to get letters and packages out in the mail before my Orlando weekend getaway later this month.

I love you all! You’re amazing! I hope you’re having wonderful days!

Vaquita

It’s super rare for me to sit and scroll through the channel guide on my TV, but when it happens, I often find myself watching one of two channels: History or Smithsonian. So, it really didn’t seem strange for me to select a marine animal to highlight for this post. As crazy animal lovers, my c0-author and I decided we’d do our best to shed light on some animals that are close to extinction. Today we talk about the vaquita. I bet many have never heard of it, seen it, or cared enough to look it up. (…and honestly, you aren’t alone.)

This little dude is found in the Gulf of California – pretty close to where some of you live, I’ll bet. He’s in the porpoise family but is so small at birth that he gets caught in fisherman’s nets and rarely survives. While this is just one of many porpoises that are being caught in the nets, it does point to a larger issue. As the human population grows so does the demand for food. Many times we are not sourcing wildlife responsibly and the sustainability of these precious animals is lacking.

…you would think more could be done to ensure the safety of the vaquita since they are practically the dolphins little cousin. If you want to know more about these guys, please check out this short video on Saving the Desert Porpoise.

What are your thoughts on the many marine animals that are being trapped and killed in these nets?

I probably shouldn’t, but I did.

I’m thinking about what to write about in response to the daily prompt. After googling the word, because let’s face it, it’s a weird word, all I can think about is the inner murmations I have with myself in certain situations. For example, today I was speaking to a friend about an upcoming film.

Me: “Hey, did you see the trailer for that new film?”

Her: “Not sure who’s in it.”

Me: “Scarjo, Kate McKinnon, and some other girl I don’t remember the name of.”

At this point she goes and checks out the trailer.

Her: “Looks fun. Maybe we should go see it.”

Me: “Mhmm, sure.”

What I’m really thinking here is, ugh, Scarlett Johansen. She has that face that even when she’s happy and excited it still looks like bitch face. Doesn’t really clash with what I see as a funny movie. But do I tell my friend that? She might be a huge Scarlett Johansen fan. I probably shouldn’t say this. How to phrase this without sounding harsh?

Me: “You know…”

….and proceed to say what’s exactly on my mind. Luckily she knows me well and took it in stride.

Take this next scenario. I’ve decided I need to find and try a new leave-in conditioner. I’ve watched all these YouTube videos with natural girls talking about their hair routine and how they swear by such and such product. Here I am wondering if any of these products would work for me cause that looks like my hair type so why the hell not. It’s currently snowing outside and that alone makes me not want to go anywhere. I shouldn’t be lazy. I should get up and go! Instead, I start to think about ways I can get my husband to go instead. I have to phrase this in such a way that he thinks it was his idea all long. I go through all these ideas in my head.

Me: “Soo I need leave in conditioner.”

Him: “I feel like you already have some.”

(I do, but that’s not the point!)

Me: “Not really. There’s this new one I want to try”

And then I proceed to tell him all the reasons why including the ingredient panel and their benefits.

Him: “grunt”

Me: “So I was thinking I’d go to Target and get the conditioner and then maybe go to Sam’s Club and get a pack of razors but after I do the dishes and cook breakfast.”

Him: “grunt”

Me: “Okay sounds good right?”

Next thing I know he’s putting on layers of clothes looking like he’s going to venture out in the cold outdoors. This is exactly how I wanted this to play out! I should feel bad about my mini mind manipulation, but I don’t. Inside I’m smiling but of course I ask.

Me: “Where you going?”

Him: “I’m going to go to the store for you.”

Me: “You don’t have to”

Him: “Don’t worry about it. You’re cleaning and cooking. I’ll do something too.”

SCORE! He goes off to the store and ends up calling me about what specifically to get even though I sent him screenshots. He came home with the wrong stuff, even with guidance. I knew that was going to happen. I kept thinking to myself, “I should have went.” It’s one of those where you walk in the store and you know exactly where to go versus he goes into the store and, instead of asking someone who works there to point him in the right direction, he walks around aimlessly until giving up and calling it a lost cause. He asked me if it was the right stuff and I nodded and said yes and thank you. It’s the gesture that counts right? Plus, fuck snow.

There are always those”what should I say vs. what I really want to say” moments you have with yourself depending on the situation. Sometimes the word vomit completely overrides the logical and you hope it comes out sounding nice enough in a way that the end game isn’t disastrous.

Forward

This post will probably be all over the place so fair warning.

I spend a lot of time driving. My job is 45 minutes away, one way. Five days a week. I spend a lot of that time just thinking. I think about past conversations I’ve had with people and wonder if I said the right things or if I could have said something different. I often press rewind in my head to review the past few day or two and analyze. For example, last night I had quite an interesting conversation with a friend of a friend. When you meet your friend’s friend, there is usually an automatic impression. Its human nature. We can’t help ourselves. I wondered what he thought of me as I sat there thinking about all of the things I’ve heard and placing it to the face. The content of the topics we discussed were baffling to say the least. Here you have two black people, (and I have to define race here), talking about their feeling regarding interracial relationships. I like to think I’m a general, open minded person. My views are simple. You love who you love. Race doesn’t matter. Why should it? If the person you love makes you happy, that’s all that matters. He asked me how I feel about gay marriage. Same answer. I don’t care what you do in the confines of your bedroom. I hope its sexy as hell because that would make both partners happiest. He tells me he doesn’t like the white race. I didn’t know what that meant so I asked. People with white skin, he says, mainly of European descent. How do you know someone is European descent, I asked. Because I can just tell, he says. Instead of getting angry, I ask, why do you feel the way you feel? He says because if “they” wanted to change the way they treat black people they would. So I asked him, what do you do to change the way people view you. And he felt that striving to become a history teacher and telling the “real” truth would bring about necessary change. I wished him the best.

There was a lot more commentary in there but that was the short of it. I understand to an extent why he feels the way he feels but most of me just thinks he lives a sad existence. Attraction to a race is one thing but to condemn the whole race for past transgressions that you were not even a part of is downright astonishing. Do I think history should be swept under the rug? No. Do I want history to repeat itself? Of course not. Change is necessary. It will always be necessary. That’s how we grow and get better. I believe our history shapes who we are today but I believe it does it unconsciously. When you decide who to befriend, you don’t ask yourself what your ancestors would do or how they would feel. You weigh how you feel and how that individual makes you feel. If they make you laugh, if they inspire you, if they tug at a piece of your heart in some way; things are the things that shape your future.

Besides going over interactions in my mind, I think a lot about my dream job. I used to think it was a veterinarian. I love animals. One of my favorite land creatures is the elephant and one of my favorite sea creatures is the sea turtle. After various jobs, some in vet clinics, I realized I don’t have the strength of heart to be a veterinarian. I’m an easier crier and dealing with death is just not for me. Shutting my emotions off is impossible. I also realized I hate school. I made it the first four years but I was not motivated enough to continue the other eight or so. From here I thought, well I’m pretty great with computers, I love staying updated in the tech world, maybe I can get an IT job. This comes from many years of pet retail and finally burning out. Technology is where the jobs are. I hear that a lot and maybe one day I’ll actually pursue that. Ultimately I’ve come to realize my dream job would be to read. I enjoy reading SO much. It gives me life. I can hardly step through my day without imagining how Astrid is going to solve her interesting dilemma. I read chapters whenever I get a free moment and binge read on the weekend. I’ve been told before that reading is not productive but I disagree. It’s way beyond productive! That piece of imagination is my expresso shot in the morning! It’s my midnight snack before I go to bed. It stimulates my dreams! I strive to emulate the characters in real life because that world is fantastic! I learn their histories and how they deal with their present. The stories I read are not always fantastic. I’ll admit, I’ve read some books and didn’t finish them because there just wasn’t a connection. Nine out of ten times though, I am living! And let me tell you, it feels GREAT to be alive!

To connect my two ruminations (in my mind anyway) I leave you with this. History is a part of us, yes, but you will never connect with anyone if you don’t leave it behind. When I say leave behind, I don’t mean forget it entirely. Remember it. Grow from it. Learn from it and make your life the better because of it. There are people who want to be in your life, real and imaginary that don’t care about your history. Open your arms, your eyes, and especially your ears. Free your mind or at least free up a portion of it for new thoughts and visions. You’ll love it, I promise.