Why #1

So this is going to be a bit of a personal post but I need an outlet and what better place than my blog right?

Last night my husband gets a phone call from his brother asking for advice about getting a car started. My husband is very well versed in all things Honda related. He can diagnose a car problem but the sound or by no sound it all. It’s quite fascinating to watch. Anyway, the brother’s “friend’s” car wouldn’t start and he asked for helping in how to get it going again or if it was a lost cause and a tow truck would be needed. My husband declared that it was probably a dead battery and just needed a jump until a new battery could be purchased. He then offered to come jump the car battery with our car. We fully expected his brother to say no because the last time this happened, he said exactly that. Instead, all giggly, he said yes, if you don’t mind, help would be greatly appreciated and the phone call ends.

The giggling is not something I’ve ever heard and I’ve been around for at least 10 years. So of course, I look at my husband and ask him if his brother was high (he doesn’t do drugs but that’s my response to people who act out of character)

He goes and helps then comes home. I asked how it went and he tells me it was what he thought, a dead battery. Then he goes silent. I can just see the things that are weighing down on his mind in that instance. I don’t say anything however because sometimes you need to let people get their thoughts and feelings together before they say what they’re thinking.

Later on, before we lay down for bed, he asks me, “What should I do about my brother?”

You see, last night solidified our suspicions that he’s not being faithful. He’s not married and therefore didn’t make a forever commitment. However, it doesn’t excuse the fact that what he’s doing right now is fucked up. Yes, the f-bomb is required. My response to what he should do, besides punching his brother in the face, is conflicting in and of itself. On the one hand, if we spill this information, we would most definitely be inviting a world a drama into our lives that we do not want and definitely don’t need. On the other hand, there’s that niggling thought in the back of our minds that it’s not our place to spill private information to another individual when it’s not our information to share. At the root of it all, all we can think about is how much he’s hurting the woman who loves him and is mother to his children as well as the fact that he might have this disillusioned idea that we’re okay with his extracurricular activities which is so far from the truth it’s disgusting. The main reason we are, essentially, pretending we’re okay with this is because he suffers from PTSD and we don’t want to make a sort of sensitive situation more volatile.

I’ve always prided myself on being that person you can come talk to about anything and I won’t judge. Well, that’s a bit of a lie. I do judge internally if you’re cheating or doing anything else that’s slimy and nefarious. How can I not? We’re all raised on what we know to be right and what to be wrong and cheating is 100% wrong. If you are not happy, you need to figure out how to walk away instead of continually hurting a person who cares for you and will walk through quicksand to get to you. I know it’s not always as simple as that but keeping secrets is like dumping lighter fluid on wood and hoping that the fire won’t explode in your face when you finally add that tiny spark to the mix. The only conclusion we could come up with is to give the man an ultimatum. Communicate your feelings, even if they’re miserable, to your woman because if you don’t we are going to. We can’t lie for someone who is willingly doing stupid shit, family or not.

This happened to me before with a friend. That time I made my position very clear. She preferred to be ignorant of her man’s extracurricular activities and telling everyone close to her that we don’t know what we’re talking about; she knows him. I will listen and hear you but the minute a person chooses to imply that I’m the liar in the conversation, I feel like I wasted time and energy trying to help fix a problem that a person is content with not fixing.ย So I walked away from that friendship and I would do it again because I don’t want that level of toxicity to poison me.

Is there a line I’m missing when it comes to this stuff? Are we doing the right thing or is it the wrong thing? Have you ever been in such a situation? How did you handle it? Let me know in the comments below.

Nel

Happily married, bookaholic, Netflix-a-holic sharing random experiences and interpretations of my world which is brutally honest most of the time.

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34 thoughts on “Why #1

  1. It is a horrible position to be in. I am a firm believer against cheating. But again with it being your family member being the cheater it is hard to intervine because that puts you in a very awkward situation. I probably would be like drop hints to her and see if she picks up on it and my husband would be like nope not out business stay out of it. Rock and Hard Place. Sorry you have to deal with such an ugly situation.

    • Rock and limestome cliffside border place, haha. I honestly think she suspects though too. I just talked to my coworker and she suggested that he’s probably not hiding it very well cause he wants her to end it instead of him ending it. Then it’s like he’s absolved or responsibility in a way? I don’t know.

    • Yeah he’s tried the subtle conversation once and it didn’t sink in much as the behavior continues so I don’t think he understood the seriousness of the talk.

  2. Hmmmm that’s a tough and unfortunate position to be placed in. Relationship drama is bad enough but when you have kids in the midst of it – it just makes things even worse. If your brother-in-law is as out there as you say then his girlfriend probably suspects and is just hanging in there thinking it’s the best thing for the kids for her to be in a relationship with their dad. On the inside she is probably hurting, angry and scared filled with so much emotion and yet might be feeling stuck because she probably feels alone. I’m not saying what you should and shouldn’t do where your brother-in-law actions are concerned other than maybe for your husband to probably let his brother know he should do better by his family. If you do have some sort of relationship with his girlfriend – you could probably let her know that she could reach out and talk to you if she feels comfortable. Best wishes to your extended family and you in this difficult situation. I understand how difficult it is to see something like this unfold and be uncertain how to intervene without stirring up too much drama. It is tough.

    • Right. I think he’s trying to do what he feels is best for the kids but in reality it’s gonna hurt his gf, his kids and even him in the long run. I don’t have a relationship with the gf unfortunately cause the last gf I had a relationship with, that backfired real good when he got into his antics so I learned to just stay out of it. There’s only so much drama I’ll take!!!

  3. If you were the one being cheated on- would you want to now?

    Side note: I can comment on you blog again if I load your post from the reader even though I donโ€™t see the comment box until I click your article.

    Will be thinking of you as you decide how to deal this difficult family situation (hugs)

    • See, I didn’t even ask that question cause I knew what my husband’s answer would be. I’m glad you can comment again yay! I wasn’t even aware you were having issues so I’m sorry about that. I know some people have trouble sometimes. James sent me your screenshot so that’s good news! Let’s hope WordPress sticks to that model!

  4. Oh, that is hard. I’m sorry you’ve been put in the middle in a few ways on this one. People don’t always know the consequences of their actions; or sometimes they do and they ignore them. Not fair to hurt / impact others because of your own choices when you’re clearly doing something bad. ๐Ÿ™ Sorry!

  5. There are arguments to be made in both directions. It could be that He WANTS you to break it to the girlfriend because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy or he’s afraid or something. Don’t let him do that to you. You don’t want to be the bearer of this bad news, because no matter how things turn out, you will get blamed for something. Tell the brother you are uncomfortable, that you disapprove and that he is not to expect you to continue to be polite about it. Tell him to straighten his own life out. But do not tell the girlfriend for him. I agree with the person who mentioned reaching out to the girlfriend to see if there is support to be offered, especially since there are nieces/nephews involved.

    • That’s what’s been my thinking Sherron. It’s not our bad news to bear even if we know about it. I just don’t want him or her to think that all this time we’ve been okay with this nonsense cause that’s further from the truth you know? I think that’s what my husband is planning to do and he’s getting their mom involved as well cause she’s actually close to the gf and might be able to be that support she’ll need.

  6. I’m with Sherron0, you and your husband shouldn’t tell his partner but should let him know how you feel about his actions. Who knows, he might listen to his brother. If it were me, I ‘d probably tell him I didn’t want to be in the middle of it AT ALL. It’s a pity she hasn’t caught him, yet.

    • I believe she suspects but is either not in a position to fully accept it yet or just doesn’t want to. I don’t know how people think cause it’s so cut and dry to me but I can be pretty insensitive so I’m not a good judge of advice in this which is what I told my husband. All I can do is support whatever he decides at this rate.

  7. Oh Nel! What a horrible position to be in, for you and your poor husband! โ™ฅ๏ธ To be frank the messenger always gets shot and itโ€™s not until the person wants to accept it for themselves that they believe it… plus you want to be able to be there for her when she needs you to be!

  8. Unfortunately, I feel you need to give him the ultimatum and carry out your end of the bargain, should it get to that. It will hurt the gf but saves her and kids in the long run. No man is worth breaking yourself for. It sucks that it has to come to that to get him to clean up his act. Part of me is hoping he cleans up his act, once and for all. And not make you two bad people in this

  9. Yeah the f-bomb is more than justified. I hate situations like this and agree that cheating is 100% wrong. I don’t think other people should make other people party to their lies. I have a cousin who had an affair and even though their marriage is over now, they’ve made a mess of things because they are still trying to keep it a secret (and are angry at anyone who won’t). You shouldn’t have to be in this position, I’m sorry you have to deal with all this. I think there’s a lot of great advice here and I hope your husband can talk to his brother and resolve things as amicably as possible!

    • That’s just silly. If it’s after the fact, keeping it a secret shouldn’t matter now. It’s such a waste of energy to get made about something in the past. I hope so too! We shall see. I hope he takes the less stupid route cause he’s already been stupid enough lol.

  10. Oh Nel, I’m so sorry. I have been in a similar situation only with very close friends. I don’t think you or your husband should tell the partner but be firm with the brother of how you feel and your beliefs and that he should do the right thing. Either grow up accept the responsibility of being a father and becone honest man AND husband or separate himself from this family so she can find a suitable and worthy man for her and help raise his children.

  11. Nel, not sure how I missed this post yesterday? WordPress is being evil to me. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ

    I know we’ve talked about this. I still don’t know what I would do, but I know that if it were me being cheated on, I would want to know. I’m thinking it’s more important that girlfriend number 1 know the truth because what if he’s not protecting himself? She could be exposed to a myriad of diseases. I know that’s crazy, but it can happen. She needs to know, but how?

    It’s a very bad situation and not fair that you two should be put in the middle. PTSD is a hard one though and I feel for people who experience it, but it’s not fair to girlfriend 1 or the kids. I wonder if girlfriend 2 even knows?

    So sorry, Nel. I wish I could help you, but I don’t know what I would do. I can tell you that I had a close friend and I knew the person he was with was cheating. I didn’t want to get involved, but once he found out that I knew, our friendship was never the same and we aren’t close anymore. I do wish I could turn back time on that one.

    Will have you guys in my thoughts. ๐Ÿ’–

    • WordPress is good at being evil!

      Yes, I agree with you. And I’ll probably continue to keep you posted via email since I didn’t originally plan to post about it at all but you gave me some confidence ๐Ÿ˜‰
      I wonder the same thing! I think she does. In the days of social media she can’t not know that he has kids he’d taking care of and his living situation. I know when you like a guy it’s easy to pretend his baggage doesn’t exist in the beginning. We’ll see what happens from both ends I suppose.

      • I’m really glad you posted it! I liked reading everyone’s comments on this. I’m just really hoping that it all smooths out for everyone. <3 Will chat later. ๐Ÿ™‚

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